Guest Post: My Scars Tell a Story of Resilience and Faith
Guest blogger Courtney Ott is a 24-year-old who lives in Harrisonburg, VA. She works as a college campus missionary through Every Nation Churches and Ministries.
Courtney is an osteosarcoma survivor and is a part of the Family Advocacy Network through University of Virginia Children's Hospital. She mentors kids with cancers and walks with families through the long journey of childhood cancer.
When some people hear the words “childhood cancer,” they think of cute little bald kids in advertisements to donate to organizations or hospitals. When I hear the words “childhood cancer,” I think of a life-changing diagnosis that I’m still coming to grips with 15 years later. Having cancer as a child changed my life forever.
I was diagnosed with osteosarcoma - a rare bone cancer - in my left leg. I was 10 at the time, and I really had no idea what I was in for. Many people diagnosed with this particular cancer undergo an amputation of whichever limb that has the tumor due to the aggressive nature of osteosarcoma. My local surgeons saw amputation as the only option for me, and a surgery was even on the schedule. In my naive state of mind, I was okay with it. At 10 years old, you still feel invincible.
By the grace of God, my dad found a surgeon in another state that said she was able to work with the 1 millimeter of space still left near my growth plate in my knee. There were many risks with this surgery, and I had to commit to not walking for almost a year in order to have it. One wrong move during recovery could cause an amputation after all.
My surgery lasted 16 hours, and it left me with little to no use of my left leg for over a year. They removed my left tibia, which the five-pound tumor had eaten through in less than three months. They used my fibula and some skin from my right leg, a cadaver bone, a bone from my left hip, a skin graft from my left thigh, and a long metal plate to create a new bone in my left leg.
It was truly a miracle that I was able to receive such a life-saving surgery. This particular surgery has allowed me to have full use of my leg, including sports and exercise! I am forever grateful for my surgeons, my family, and my friends for getting me through such a major procedure while I was already so sick from chemotherapy.
“The reality is that cancer doesn’t end when treatment ends. The effects of cancer, whether physical or psychological, are forever.”
While I am extremely grateful for this surgery, I have also struggled with body image as a result. My surgery left me with a very big and noticeable scar that covers my entire left shin, another scar that covers the length of the side of my right calf, and a patch on my left thigh from the skin graft. I am now at a point in my life where I have mostly come to terms with the way my body looks, but it has been a very long process to get to where I am.
The reality is that cancer doesn’t end when treatment ends. The effects of cancer, whether physical or psychological, are forever.
God can heal all things, but cancer will forever be a part of my story.
I have had so many people make comments to me about my scars, especially during my teenage years. I’ve heard comments such as, “your leg looks like it’s been beaten in with a hammer,” or “your leg is deformed and it’s scaring me,” or even “can I catch cancer by standing next to you?!”
Needless to say, I have had many moments of tears struggling with the reality of how my body looks while also being grateful for my leg and life being saved. These comments have produced anger in me, but also made me even more passionate about sharing my story and being proud of my scars because they tell a story of resilience, faith, and survivorship.
I often compared my cancer to other cancers and “envied” other kids who didn’t have to have scars that were so noticeable. I never wanted to seem ungrateful for full use of my leg, but I learned that it was okay to grieve what could have been. As long as I didn’t stay in that grief, it was healthy.
No matter what cancer has taken, I will do everything in my power to share what it never could. Cancer couldn’t take my faith in Jesus. Cancer couldn’t take my laughter. Cancer couldn’t take my joy.
The scars that have played a role in my body image issues are the very same scars that help encourage and inspire others to keep fighting.
Some scars are seen and some unseen, but they all are symbols of the mercy and grace God has had on my life.
Editor’s Note: It takes a great deal of bravery to talk about body issues, and we’re grateful to Courtney for speaking up about this sensitive topic. In our most recent annual survey, approximately one in six young adult survivors of childhood cancer listed body image as one of their top three survivorship concerns.
If body acceptance is a journey that you're on, please know that you're not alone. In fact, our friends at Elephants & Tea recently focused an entire recent issue of their digital magazine for adolescent and young adult survivors on this topic: Cancer's Toll on the Body.